So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
