Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
