Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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