Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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