I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
