I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I will pee on everything he values.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
