Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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