I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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