did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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