I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
