He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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