First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
we're so committed to being not committed
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