Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
