Soap is not a condiment
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
