I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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