im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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