Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
