It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
