one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
