I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize