If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
