If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
