I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone came in the potted fern
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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