I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
