dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently you make a good broom.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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