God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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