she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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