Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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