Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
