The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
