On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
