she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
