im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
