tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
