He disabled his match.com account in front of me
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
