How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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