While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
