toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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