Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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