I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am spending my child support on dildos
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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