i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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