So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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