he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we made out on top of his cat.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
