My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
