Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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