I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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