They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
