Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Are my feet made of real feet?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize