i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
