Moan for me like Helen Keller
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
