Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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