WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
