Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
